Kate Hudson is a retard. Not only has she become the most despicable Meg Ryan wannabe to date with her avalanche of unwatchable cutesy crap since her impressive debut in “Almost Famous,” now she thinks she’s making up for it with a “scary” movie that has a “clever” “twist” at the end. Deep, Kate.

The saddest part here is that there are moments where Hudson reminds us that she does indeed have the ability to act; while she still is playing Kate Hudson as always, we believe that she (I’m sorry, her “character”) is scared when spooky shit is happening to her. This makes it even more frustrating that we’ve had to watch her celebrate the fact that no one’s demanding more from her for the millions she’s been getting.

It’s not like we’re dealing with Ashton Kutcher in “The Butterfly Effect” here, Hudson likely has the talent to actually play a part other than Kate-as-a-cutesy-reporter or Kate-as-a-cutesy-aunt or Kate-as-a-young-nursing-assistant, but that seems just too damn complex for her to wrap her cute little fingers around.

All “The Skeleton Key” ends up being is ANOTHER damn movie where we put up with the long, stupid, detached, plain garbage for as long as the Hollywood reader in the production office did in the first place to get to the ending that says “Oh, look! Look at me! Isn’t that clever?! Did you guess THIS?!? I’ll bet you diiiid-nnnnn’t!” For those of us who cried tears of joy when Haley Joel Osment finally got to be with his mom at the end of “A.I.,” maybe the end will be enough here. As for the rest of us, there is a simply empty feeling of not only mere dissatisfaction that Kate (ehem, her character) never develops into a damn thing but Scared Kate, but “So, that’s it? WHO GIVES A PHUCK?!?”

What’s even more tragic than the DOA status of Hudson’s once promising leading woman career is how they are able to get real talent aboard shit like this with the absolute lack of material out there these days. Gena Rowlands, John Hurt, Peter Saarsgard… Why the hell aren’t they in something decent? Haven’t at least two of them paid their dues? And there, my children, is the big rub – stories have gotten so phucking unbearably dry and lame that the joke they made in “Adaptation” about wowing the audience with the ending to make them applaud a bad movie has turned more real than the joke about a monkey becoming president. Whenever a shitty movie has a “clever” ending, enough people clap and ready their wallets for the next one, hence making the jackoff producers who majored in business think it was an artistic accomplishment on top of a box office hit.

The plot? Kate is a nursing assistant who never got to take care of her dad when he was dying, so she has an urge to care for old people in their final hours (this all explained through lame dialogue, of course). She goes to a small town outside New Orleans to watch out for a dying guy (Hurt) while his wife (Rowlands), who could easily do everything Kate is doing by her phucking self, watches like an old hawk and keeps standing right behind Kate so when Kate turns around she can be there for the “DUN!” sound effect over and over. Things get spooky when Kate finds out that some hoo-doo (not voo-doo, mind you, that’s reserved for the R-rated thrillers) is going on here, and mayhem ensues. Utterly… moronic… mayhem.

Guys, if your chick drags you into this, there may be one saving grace about this piece of shit – we do get to see Kate Hudson’s bare back and side of her boob in one scene. My suggestion is to purchase a large tub of popcorn with extra butter (your gal will probably shy away from all that fat drenched into those oh-so-many carbs if she’s the type who’s stupid enough to want to see a Kate Hudson movie).

Before the feature presentation starts, carve a hole big enough to fit your penis through into the bottom of the popcorn bag/tub, then gently place your freshly popped treats on top of your undone fly. While holding your idiot girlfriend’s hand, use your other hand to reach down into the popcorn whenever you want for a buttery release whenever Kate is in her fun PJ outfit or changing clothes. Bonus: if your girlfriend then dips her hand into the popcorn, you may get an accidental handjob, or she may miss your member and still eat popcorn covered in your relief juice, hence ingesting your sperm by principal for being the kind of bitch to drag you into “The Skeleton Key.” Good show.

(one bong, two if the popcorn thing works)