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This piece of shit-on-film (hey, at least Spielberg didn't take the advice of the most out-of-touch man in the creative world (Lucas) and shoot it all on digital video (although if you have no plot, who gives a phuck how the story's told?)) is gayer than a goddam couple of rainbow puppets having wild buttsex on a beach of persimmon seeds from the first frame, as the very first thing we see (that has nothing to do with the plot, theme, or characters, much like a good half of the little moments in this giant wink at the audience's dick) is a CGI gopher pop out of the dirt and look around with a cute little face before scurrying off (oh, don't fret, it returns to make some more cute CGI faces when those silly humans are fighting and being just darn downright wacky) and giving way to some teenagers that have nothing to do with anything racing alongside some army guys on a desert highway.

The teens drive off as the army guys turn right and go to an army base, and we never hear from the teens again - it's as if they were just there to have Elvis playing on their little car radio so we'd know this movie (and MOVIE is what every bit of this thing feels like - never does a split second occur where we are immersed in any presented reality, not even on an "Independence Day" level) is set in the 50's, although "1957" appears on the screen just afterwards, so here I am still trying to figure out what the hell the teens were doing there... Godammit, never mind, this sounds like nitpicking now, and if I were to point out every stupid and blatantly unneeded moment here (like the teens and the CGI cute gophers that clog the screen within the very first minute), this would be a 40-page review.

 

Let's sum up - Harrison Ford is back as Indiana Jones. Nope, no new tricks, and no unexpected moments. Marcus and Henry Jones Senior, making an appearance in side-by-side framed photos on Indy's desk when he mentions them, have been killed off for the sake of a mention to the fans as to why Denholm Elliot and Sean Connery won't be appearing in this one (Connery declined, but maybe Elliot really is dead, as some British guy plays a role he likely would've, I can't figure he's getting offered much more these days if he's alive).

Marion (Karen Allen) returns so the superfans can go "Weee-ew! Yeah, Marion! She was in 'Raiders'!" when she appears onscreen, and from there she has no character whatesoever, very few lines, and about as much purpose as Shia LeBouf's "Mutt," a young sidekick that makes one go "Hey, how come they didn't just bring back that little Asian guy to play Short-Round again? I know he's probably old and awkward now, but it'd be cooler than this goddam retard. Who the hell is he, isn't he that annoying little shit who killed Megatron? Why does he keep appearing in movies that are hell-bent on ridiculing cool stuff? What's the point of this movie? I don't get it. Goddam it, is this really the new Indy flick?" John Hurt and Ray Winstone are here for plain expositional crap that moves this pissant plot along (some shit about some gay crystal skull that has the power to rule the world or some shit, although the story and character involvement here makes us care about who rules this movie's given world as much as we care about... I won't even waste my brain on an analogy, this is all such ridiculous garbage).

And finally, Cate Blanchett shows up to be the lamest villain anyone's seen in a while, and not just in an Indy flick - you would figure since they went with a female villain that they'd be sure to make her even meaner than the previous Indy baddies, just to show how mean girls can be too, but nope. Total crap.

It's just one action sequence after another where not only do you know who will end up alive or dead (because of the shallow reasons the script presents, like if someone's a bad guy or just plain greedy), you just don't care. I shit you not, the new "Mummy" sequel will likely be much more emotionally involving than this thing.

 

There will be interviews in defense of this one - Lucas will say things like "You can't please everyone," because he already sodomized his own creation with the prequels and had to go through the backlash of sprinkling shitflakes on a polished trophy, and Spielberg will say things like "I think some people misunderstood it, it was supposed to be like a 50's cartoon" or some lame-ass horseshit like that, but it won't change the fact that there's not a shred of character development or anything that would resemble decent storytelling anywhere in this pile of shit-vomit. We can take a lot, Mr. Spielberg. We can take Shia LeBouf (maybe I mispelled his stupid name, who cares, this kid has to just go away already) swinging from vine to vine with little monkeys as his sidekicks and swinging onto the bad person's jeep just in time to kick somebody in the face. All we ask for is a plot to fit that gay glop somewhere into.

This movie sucked balls, and not in a good way. Luckily, I have decided to just block this "film" from my mind and remember the Indy flicks as a trilogy, otherwise I guess I'd be pretty pissed that you brought Marion back just to make her a stupid pathetic whore who can be won over with a line, almost as pissed as I'd be that you woke up Indy from his eternal rest just to make him wink at the camera for however long this lame whatever-the-hell-we're-calling-it was and drag us through a movie that basically says "Hey, remember those movies with that guy Indiana Jones? Well, heck, they were just movies!

Let's not worry about making you care about characters anymore and all that strenuous jabber, let's have a good time at the movies! Hey, look, I just bumped into something and uncovered the ark! Remember the ark?! It's not in this one, but remember that one where it was a pretty big deal? Heh, now THAT was a good movie, eh?? Yeah, we had fun.

Anyway, okay, let's get back to this wacky little car chase, don't worry if anyone looks like they might get hurt, it's only a movie." Steven Spielberg, flog yourself, you know better than this. What the phuck, man, I thought you were supposed to be Steven Spielberg. You could at least read the script first.

 

(no bongs - this wasn't a movie, it can't really be reviewed)