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There's no way I can talk you out of seeing "Beowulf," it's "Beowulf," and you've seen the preview and already made up your mind. But let's just say that if you don't plan on seeing it in 3D, it can wait for DVD.

The flick loosely follows the old school poem of Beowulf, a Danish "hero" with a rep for killing off tough competition and also for telling tall tales. While the animation is spectacular, one can't help but laugh at how damn silly most everything that happens in its world is.

Beowulf is hired to slay Grendel, a beast that can't take the sound of human merriment but doesn't look like a beast so much as a fetal alcohol syndrome baby that grew way too large. He also sounds a bit like ol' Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man" whenever he's not taking something, which, while likely meant to be horrific and plain disturbing, turns out to be wacky and ridiculous.

Beowulf faces him in a nude fighting sequence that seems as if it's trying to compete with the steam room fight scene of "Eastern Promises," but really ends up looking more like those scenes in "Austin Powers" where something is constantly blocking the audience's view of Beowulf's dick in a manner so conveniently orchestrated that one can't help but shake their head and grin while a battle to the death is taking place.

Angelina Jolie, portraying the mother of Grendel, is sexy as hell indeed as a cartoon, but is really only around for one long scene, then we're waiting to see her hot cartoon ass again, only to be basically let down.

Robin Wright Penn's looking pretty good in Cartoonland too, giving us one more addition to the Jessica Rabbit crew of animated sexpots, but she never shows her boobs. Whatever.

The end fight sequence between Beowulf and a dragon is cool, maybe even emotionally involving for a few seconds, but the end-ending is gayer than hell, and the end credits gayify it even more with a song that's the gayest thing since Celine Dion's "Titanic" tune.

If there's somewhere playing it in 3D, check it out if you're in the mood for 3D fluff made out of a poem celebrated by scholars for centuries. It's got cool stuff to look at, and it isn't terrible, but I figured from the preview that I'd be pumped leaving this one like I was pumped after "Starship Troopers" -- a goofy, that-was-a-wild-ride pumped.

Maybe it was just the lame song at the end, but I just wasn't pumped. Worth seeing though. In 3D.
 
(three bongs)

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