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A couple of weeks ago - I had the amazing opportunity to go out on perhaps one of the worst dates ever. Actually, it wasn't so much the date the was so wrong, I just had no business being there. I should have followed my gut, but I'll be damned if the decision was made just south of my gut. Thus, I had no control.

The premise of all this is, make sure you have something in common with your date before you ask them out. Many people ask me how they, or where they can meet a nice chick. My response: "How the phuck would I know, I still use the word, 'chick'."

It's my belief that a guy has no business chatting up a girl in the gym. Outside the gym, maybe (as you wait and wait and wait out by the exit to hold the door open for her..). Now again, there are always exceptions, but generally when you're at the gym, you're there to work out and when you're not, it's rather obvious and annoying.

Also, when she's at the gym, there's no real time to talk with her to figure out you have anything in common. Other than going to the same gym.

On with the tale...

Now at first I wasn't going to write about my experience, I figured I'm above that - but who the phuck am I kidding.

I had seen her at the dog park a few times. We began talking a bit, shared a few funnies, everything went smoothly. We set a date for later that night. She gave me her number and as I turned to leave she jokingly said, "Be careful, if we don't get along I may write something about you on my website." To which I replied, "Funny that, I have a website myself." And I gave her this URL.

4 hours later she called me to cancel the date.

Apparently, toilet paper stuck in pubic hair is low brow humor... and teaching women what men want in a relationship is old and tired. Who knew that smelling your own farts was immature... Who you ask? Someone who writes for the NPR, that's who.

She writes for National Public Radio and keeps a web blog with myspace.com what does all that mean? I'm not really sure. But I think it means, she's better than me. She into movies that nobody has heard about, she shuns anything pop culture yet she continuously used the phrase, 'That's Hot', a term made popular by pop culture whore Paris Hilton.

There's a fine balance between enjoying indie films, music and being retarded. You know, when you try too hard to be nouveau - when suddenly you find you can't like anything because the minute you do, it's no longer considered cool.

Instead, you run around with all of your poet friends sipping orange mocha frappuccinco from, BarStucks, the corner indie coffee house, putting down all the people who dare like something that isn't written by some dead Latin author or Turkish musician...

The focus of this - grlgrlgrlglgl (sound of bong water) is not harp on someone's short comings. Though it is fun, we have a bigger objective - my failure. My failure to leave well enough alone.

As she was trying to cancel the date, I kept begging her not to. I mean begging.. pleading... she finally agreed - (after I told her I had her cat).

I mean I couldn't understand why after reading SM she would want to cancel a date when just hours before we were laughing and the whole world was rosy. I was confused that such an intelligent woman would find enough reason in a website to cancel a date. I was confused until 10 minutes into our conversation. This chick liked nothing. That's not fair to say, she liked controversy. The kind of controversy that hangs around just for the sake of being controversial. Lighten up, it's not all bad, is it?

So in the end - (thank God we're at the end) I was disappointed with myself more than anything. Not because I wasn't able to see down her top... but because I knew all along that this was going to be a date from hell but I thought I could overcome. Well and also because I couldn't see down her top.

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